When I saw Farnoosh Torabi’s When She Makes More: 10 Rules for Breadwinning Women at the bookstore, I gulped. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I couldn't believe that there are many women out there— both young and old— whose stories are parallel to mine. And that their narratives are all bound in a book. One whole book.
All the while, I've felt quite alone in that department. Among my circle of friends, my breadwinning status is still somewhat of a rarity. Coming from an Asian background doesn’t make it easier for me to discuss the nuts and bolts of female breadwinning with anybody. It’s always the question of whether or not it’s acceptable for a woman to bring home the bacon and cook it for her family. To read how other strong, professional gals (like Torabi herself) go through life with dual roles as providers and nurturers is, of course, a breath of fresh air and fascinating nonetheless. This is the bible that I need, here earlier on in my marriage.
When She Makes More doesn’t hide the sad truth of how women with larger income than their partners tend to go down the divorce route more often. They have to keep the roof over their families while saddled with housework and childcare responsibilities. More often than not, it’s the emotional turbulence that comes with this non-traditional role that hurts many relationships. I love reading Torabi’s frankness when it comes to disclosing how she makes her own marriage work by being economically smart and financially organized. Here she offers a number of tips about living life as a female breadwinner that are all doable with an open mind, a shift in perspective and a little faith. Those golden nuggets include:
Face the facts
Accept the fact that you make more than your beloved with grace. Embrace this new reality. The breadwinning role comes with a set of challenges that can only be tackled when you’ve come to terms with the said fact.
Re-write your fairy tale
It’s time to re-think and determine your own fairy tale. So what if you’re the one with the shiny armor? You can still keep the happily-ever-after ending by changing the way you view your partner’s and your own worth. Definitely mind over matter!
Keep a level playing field
Sharing is caring. If you make twice or more than your partner, pay the larger costs of living and allow him to take care of the minor expenses. Going dutch is another option if you bring home a bigger paycheck but not by much. Split the bills evenly based on the percentage of each respective earning.
Prepare for the “what-ifs”
Plan for the future earlier on. Always be prepared for rainy days, such as medical bills and aging parents. Be transparent with your partner on this matter and team up with him when deciding on how much money should be saved for “just in case” situations.
Understand and appreciate your man
He's a functioning person too, you know. Leave the financial planning, or bookkeeping, to a degree to your partner. Just because you bring more to the table doesn’t mean you have to succumb to what Torabi calls “financial mommying.” Share the decision making process with him and appreciate what he has to give, no matter how small the contribution, in return.
Find a balance when sharing housework
If you can, buy yourself a “wife” by hiring someone to help out with the house chores. If you can’t afford housecleaners, Torabi suggests asking yourself the grand question: “What would a gay couple do?” According to The Atlantic article, gay partnerships are more blissful than heterosexual ones because there’s "no falling back on (gender-based) assumptions about who will do what" when it comes to domestic matters. I cannot agree more!
Draw a strict line between work and home
Take little personal breaks to unwind and avoid burnout. Pamper yourself once in a while. Never feel guilty if you indulge in something luxurious for you and you alone. Always take good care of yourself before you do for others.
Plan your parenthood
It’s not about “having it all” when you’re a breadwinning woman. “Making it all work” is the way to go when it comes to having children in the picture. Begin early when it comes to saving for your children’s insurance and education. Pay now or pay more later.
Grow thicker skin
The entire world may judge you for this path you take but that’s not really important. What matters is that you know of your man’s potential and merits. Let those judgmental voices pass. Follow what you think is best for you and find that happy place.
Take a deep breath
Your little family will appreciate you for the all the opportunities that you can provide for them. Be proud.
For me, though, this non-conformist role is a choice. My economic standing has always surpassed my better half’s ever since we began dating. It was awkward at first, if not difficult, to come to terms with such equation. But after years of learning and understanding how each of us contribute to this beautiful relationship we have, the uneasiness slowly began to cease. My little ‘success’ has only fueled his own drive to run his small business, work full-time and study for his advanced diploma…concurrently! He contributes fairly well to our household (and cooks the best TV dinners) and we both save our earnings for the future we are mapping for ourselves.
Like most women in the book, I agree that the breadwinning route is never easy. But that's what makes life colorful and indeed worth living through. Of course, I'm only at the beginning of my marriage and there are a lot more to think in the future, such as children or as Torabi calls them the “what ifs”. We are pretty much DINKY (dual income-no kids yet) at this stage and I hold to my pragmatic belief that our relationship is as fluid as others; it’s bound to change its landscapes no matter what. But as long as I can remind myself of how I signed those papers to be a part of a lifelong team and lead a fulfilling life (instead of being financially fulfilled), we’ll both be okay.
PS A beautiful and honest confession made by Jenna Parks of Sweet Fine Day on being a breadwinner. Also, learn how she copes after the breadwinning days are over.
